Why “oooh-oooh-baby-spam-me-hard” is a bad choice for your email address (True Sentence no. 5)

If you want a designated email address for your spam email messages, you should create a very vanilla handle like “Stacys-spam-messages” at your-preferred-email-provider-dot-com,

Because if you create a snarky spam email account with an email address like “ooh baby spam me hard at gmail dot com”,

You’ll use that email address to buy dad jeans for your mom bod at OldNavy.com,

The jeans won’t fit,

So you’ll bring the jeans to the Old Navy store at Ridgedale Mall,

Where the store manager,

with a less-than-friendly, KGB-sounding accent,

will tell you that the blue plastic polymailer bag you tossed out was your receipt,

because its barcode label had all your info,

but they can look it up for you,

just “tell me the email address you used to make the purchase!”

and because you’re too ashamed to tell her,

  • “ooh ooh baby spam me so hard at gmail dot com, wait? not it?
  • “try ooh ooh baby baby spam me oh so hard, not that either?
  • “ok! then try ooh baby spam me so hard with your great big ads,
  • “cripes! that’s not it? how about spin me round and spam my email at, um, yahoo dot com?”

…you’ll just tell the suspicious-looking store manager,

(who also looks the part of a KGB agent)

that you can’t remember your email address,

and she’ll almost refuse you your return,

before issuing you a store credit

(while curling her lips in a homicidal frown)

so you’ll have to promptly spend the store credit on the spot,

even though there’s nothing there you want,

because cripes,

you’re not going through that again.

True Sentence No. 5: Pick good email address account names that you can remember and are not ashamed to repeat aloud, or else you may wind up with an Old Navy store credit you don’t want.

(Which is similar to my True Sentence No. 4 about why having the word “f*ck” in your password is just a bad idea.)

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